Multiple Personality Disorder
by UnderneathTheBridge
Summary: Minerva is entirely confused when no one seems to be able to pick a fanfic personality and stick with it. Weird? Yes. Funny? I've been convinced that it is. I kid because I love, people...well, kinda.
1. Snape's Office

Multiple Personality Disorder (or how I learned to stop worrying and love my stupid plotbunnies)

Chapter One—Snape's Office

Minerva McGonagall was sitting in her office, bored as hell.

"Maybe I'll go visit Severus…he's been a little off lately."  She proceeded to the dungeons.  Severus was alone in his office, hunched over his desk and weeping.

            "Nobody loves me…I hate myself…..nobody loves me….I hate myself….."              "Severus?  Are you all right?"  He looked up.

            "Oh….Minerva….you are as beautiful as a slowly swirling Libido Potion…..make love to me here, in my office.  I will rip your robes off with the force of a thousand werewolves and-"

            "Severus?  What was that?"

            "Nothing!  Get away from me! You'll never understand all…all the _pain_ I've been through…I was abused as a child, Minerva."  Minerva frowned.

            "Severus, I think you should talk to Dumbledore about that…"

            "Gee golly gosh, Minerva.  _Great_ idea."

            "Was that sarcasm?"

            "_Noooooo_, not at all."

            "You know, that's really not necessary."

            "Of _course_ it isn't, Minerva."  She turned her back on him and started to walk away.

            "Well, if you're going to be childish…"

            "WAIT!!!  Don't go, Minerva!  Don't leave me here alone!"  She turned around again, sighing.  "I have a question for you!  Not that you'd ever answer it….YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I USED TO BE A DEATH EATER, DON'T YOU?"

            "I don't hate you, Severus!"

            "Of course you don't…how could you, when I'm so ravishingly sexy?"

            "What was your question, Severus?"

            "Can you go to the mall with me?  I need to get the new Marilyn Manson CD, then swing by Hot Topic for some spiked bracelets."

            "Who's Marilyn Manson?"

            "It doesn't matter, Minerva.  All that matters is my love for Harry…no!  It's a shameful secret!  I shouldn't have said it!  Bad, bad Severus…."

            "Severus, I need to go grade essays."

            "If you see Hermione Granger, could you please tell her that I'm going to be a little late with the child support?"

            "Wait a minute…does that mean…"

            "I wonder what you'd look like being slowly roasted over a spit while Lucius Malfoy pinches your nose shut, Minerva….mwah ha ha ha haaaaaa!!!!!!!!"

            "That's it, Severus.  I'm out of here.  You're really starting to creep me out."  She began to leave the office.

            "If you find my hair gel, leather pants, or bottle of vodka, get right back to me!"


	2. Minerva's Classroom

Chapter 2—Minerva's Classroom

When Minerva entered her classroom, she saw that Draco Malfoy was there early.  He was sitting at a desk, trying to hold back tears.

            "Hello, Draco.  Did you want to talk to me about something?"

            "Professor, I…my father wants me to be a Death Eater….and….and……I WILL BECOME ONE!  MWAH HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

            "Draco, that isn't the right path to follow."

            "I know.  I know.  I'm just misguided and horrifically abused.  As I told my very bestest friend Pansy Parkinson last night…wait a minute, I hate her!"  Hermione came running in.

            "Professor, I….oh, um, hey there, Draco…..your, um, hair looks nice today……" 

            "Hermione!  You're really hot!  Can I rape you?"

            "No, you disgusting Slytherin dog!"

            "I mean, can I make sweet, sweet love to you tonight in the astronomy tower?"

            "Of course you can, you sexy beast.  Grrrowl."

            "Mudblood."  Minerva sighed.

            "Oh, Hermione, Professor Snape told me to tell you he'll be a little late with the child support this month….whatever that means…."

            "Damn him!  I'm already getting stiffed by Ron _and_ Neville, I don't need this!"

            "Hermione, dear, please tell me you're kidding…."

            "I don't regret a thing, Professor.  Except maybe Ginny."  Minerva blushed.  Harry sauntered in.

            "I am invincible!  I am a god among men!  Everything I touch turns to a lovely kind of stone called anthracite!"  Draco shot him a look.

            "Potter, I've always hated you, but….you're just so attractive right now……."  Hermione slapped Draco.

            "Come on, Draco, let's get out of here.  You can rape me in the prefect's bathroom, if you really want to."

            "Hermione, did I ever tell you that I self-mutilate?"  They walked out of the classroom together.  Harry slumped down at a desk.

            "Professor, I've been so depressed ever since Sirius died….after that night of beautiful lovemaking I think we had a kind of attachment."

            "Harry, that's not something you should really joke about."

            "I swear, I'm serious….Sirius!  Serious!  Ha ha!  Aren't I hilarious?"

            "Well, um…"

            "YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY!  I'VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!"

            "Calm down, Harry…." He dissolved into tears.

            "Professor, I'm so depressed, I can't handle it, I just can't handle it…."

            "Have you talked to Dumbledore lately?"

            "Minerva, I don't need to talk to Dumbledore…he's not nearly as sexy as you are…."  Minerva stood up.

            "Potter, get out of my classroom.  You're confusing me, and I'm already in a bad mood."  Harry left.  "God, I need a drink…."


	3. Three Broomsticks

Chapter Three—The Three Broomsticks

Minerva walked into the Three Broomsticks and sat down at a table.  She suddenly felt a hand on her back.

            "Hello, Minerva.  You have a…very soft back….."  She turned around.

            "Severus, please take your hand off my back."

            "Oh my god!!!!  I….I touched a woman?  I'm afraid of human contact!"  Minerva rolled her eyes.

            "Just sit down, Severus."  Madam Rosmerta came over.

            "Hello, Minerva.  What would you like?"

            "I'll have a rum and coke."

            "And you, Severus?"

            "I'll have four vodkas."

            "Four?"

            "I'm a hardcore alcoholic."

            "All right…."

            "No!  Wait!  I'll have a butterbeer.  I would never drink….no, wait…um…oh….er….."  Minerva sighed.

            "Just get him a rum and coke, too."

            "Fine."  She left.

            "So, Severus….did you ever get that CD?"

            "No, I was too busy carving swear words into my arm with a paper clip.  I kind of forgot."

            "Severus, that's incredibly disturbing."

            "Not as disturbing as the horrible, abusive things my parents did to me when I was young….want to hear about them?"

            "No, Severus, I really don't."

            "Want to go have sex?"

            "_No_, Severus.  I don't want to have sex with you…if you have something important to say, say it now, and if you don't then go bother somebody else."

            "You…bitch….I'll sic the Dark Lord on you if you treat me with such impudence….."  Severus burst into tears.  "Minerva, I'm fragile, I'm damaged, I'm broken….a few harsh words and I'll crumble, Minerva, I'll crumble…."  She nervously patted him on the back.

            "There there, Severus."

            "Do you like my robes?  They're only the finest silk….fine materials for a fine man, that's what I always say."

            "They're very nice, Severus."

            "Of course, they're not as great as my Nine Inch Nails T-shirt…oh, and my leather pants, I forgot the leather pants!"

            "Well, Severus, why don't you just run back to the castle and put them on?"

            "Oh, Minerva, I'm enjoying your wonderful company far too much…your intoxicating scent…."  He sniffed her hair.

            "Severus, please don't do that.  You're acting very strange, Severus, and I-"

            "LUCIUS!!!!"  Minerva turned around to see that Lucius Malfoy had entered the Three Broomsticks.  Severus stood up and hugged him.

            "Hello, Lucius.  Been a long time since the last orgy, huh?"

            "Yes, we must have another one soon…who's the lady, Severus?  And may I rape her?"

            "NO, LUCIUS, YOU MAY NOT RAPE ME!"

            "God, sorry I asked.  Hey, Severus, where's Draco?  I need to beat/rape/psychologically abuse him…"

            "I hate you…you ruined my life….."

            "Yes, yes, come on, Severus, I don't have all day here.  If you want to have sex in the Shrieking Shack, we have to make sure that nobody's in there first."

            "Oh, can't we just do it in my apartment this time?  There's something nice about a bed…."

            "Snap out of it, Severus."

            "Right.  The chains are there.  Of course."  They left together.  Madam Rosmerta brought the drinks.

            "Oh, looks like he left…."

            "It's all right.  I'll drink both of them."


	4. Dumbledore's Office

Minerva rushed into Dumbledore's office.

            "Oh, Albus, I need to talk to you about something…"

            "Sit down, Minerva."  She sat down, and suddenly noticed that there was another woman in the room.

            "Oh, am I interrupting something?"

            "Not at all.  This is the sexy young new DADA teacher, Mary Sue."

            "It's nice to meet you, Mary Sue….your hair is such an interesting color, Mary Sue…what made you wish to dye it that….unique color of red?"

            "It's natural."

            "Oh…my….your teeth are so white….."

            "Of course they are!"

            "Mary Sue, I need to discuss something very private with Albus.  Would you mind ducking out for a second?"

            "Not at all.  I need to go give Harry a Band-Aid for his scraped knee and tell Severus that his hair smells good."  She left.

            "Albus, how do her eyes change color like that?"

            "It really doesn't matter.  What did you want to talk to me about, Minerva?"

            "Well, everyone is acting very strangely…first of all, I think Severus and Hermione had an inappropriate sexual relationship."

            "That is inexcusable!"

            "What should we do about it."

            "Absolutely nothing."

            "What?"

            "It's sweet!  They're both adults."

            "No, not really…."

            "Of course they aren't!  Hermione is just a child!  It's disgusting!"

            "Yes, that's what I'm saying…."

            "Best just to let it run its course."

            "Oh, Albus…you're doing it too?"

            "If "it" means sleeping with students, then I most certainly am!  But don't tell, because it's certainly not allowed on my watch!"

            "That's…not…what I meant!  Everyone keeps changing personalities, and I don't get it!  It never happened before today!  Argh….I'm so confused…….."

            "Minerva, you might feel better if we have sex.  You just have to trust me on this."

            "No!  I don't want to have sex with ANYBODY!!!!"  

            "That's good.  Sexual relationships between staff members are not allowed at Hogwarts, as I'm sure you know."

            "Well…uh….and Hermione also has several children, apparently.  How hasn't this come to anyone's attention?"

            "Minerva, do you remember when we used to be lovers?"

            "Albus, you're getting senile.  We were never lovers."

            "Are you sure about that?"

            "I…oh….um….oh….."  She stood up.  "Albus, I've got class." Minerva ran out of the room.


	5. Class With the Gryffindors

The Gryffindors had already started trying to turn baseball caps into soup bowls be the time Minerva reached her classroom.  "Sorry I'm late, students…I see you've already started.  She sat down at her desk and started scanning the room.  Her eyes settled on Neville first.

            "Neville, are you having any difficulties?"

            "No, Professor.  I've been doing much better since Hermione started tutoring me…in the astronomy tower…in the middle of the night…"

            "I don't want to know what you're insinuating, Neville."  Hermione suddenly started sobbing.

            "Hermione, what's wrong?"

            "I…I…Draco Malfoy RAPED me!"

            "Well….um…I thought…"

            "But it doesn't matter, since he was so tender.  Sigh…"

            "Are you saying that you enjoyed being raped by Mr. Malfoy?"

            "I…uh…"

            "It's all right, Hermione."

            "Maybe Professor Snape could help me work through my conflicted feelings…in the dungeons…in the middle of the night…"

            "Get back to your transfiguration, Hermione!"  After a few minutes of silence, Harry raised his hand.

            "Yes, Harry?"

            "Ron threw his baseball cap at me."

            "Ron, why did you throw your baseball cap at Harry?"

            "Burning…with…jealousy…"

            "Excuse me, Ron?"

            "He ALWAYS gets the girls!  He's constantly stealing Hermione from me, he really likes dating my sister to piss me off, and…"

            "Yes, Ron?"

            "It's okay.  I'll always support Harry, because we're best friends…and because he's hot."  Minerva sighed.

            "Students, I'm going to leave a little early today…leave your bowls on the desk when you're done."  She got up and quickly walked out of the classroom.


	6. Back with a vengeance

All righty, LadyVoldything. You get your damn request. Requests plural, actually.

Minerva turned left out of her classroom and bumped into Remus and Sirius making out.

"Sirius? You're dead!" They stopped kissing.

"Oh, hey, Minerva. Well, I'm not really dead."

"How is that possible?"

"Well, it's really convoluted and involes some kind of spo0o0o0kie netherworld beyond a curtain. But that's really not important."

"Well, Sirius...I really ought to inform Harry..." Remus looked affronted.

"That greedy little bastard...I won't let him interfere with my widdle Paddy!"

"Sorry, Minerva. We can't let Harry know I'm alive."

"Why not?"

"That's not important."

"It's very important!"

"Trust me on this one...it's not important."

"Minerva, I have to keep this little manwhore away from pretty much every other wizard in the world. I've been doing this pretty much my entire life...he's banged James, Severus, Bellatrix, Narcissa, Hermione..."

"Hey, Moony, Hermione was a threesome, remember? And we've both had our turns with Sevvie. Let's not be a hypocrite, sweetie pumpkins."

"Oh. Right." Minerva rubbed her temples.

"Listen, Sirius, I'm very glad you're alive, but...could you just leave me alone?" She marched down the hallway, leaving Remus and Sirius to bitch-slap each other. "God...who hasn't Hermione slept with?"

"She hasn't slept with me."

"Me neither." Minerva whipped around to see Fred and George standing behind her.

"Oh, I'm so glad that neither of you boys--"

"Yeah, we're pretty much occupied."

"With each other."

"Wait...what?"

"Professor, George and I have a very healthy sexual relationship."

"Healthy? You're...identical twins!"

"It's like making love to yourself, Professor. Pure, narcissistic pleasure."

"Oh...God...I hate my life..."


	7. Minerva's Office

                        Minerva sat at her desk, shaking all over.  "Oh….God…..what is wrong with everyone?  Everyone except for me, that is……"  The door to her office burst open.  There stood Severus, grinning like a madman.

            "Oh.  God.  Severus."

            "Aren't you going to ask me how my little…..uh….."play session" with Lucius Malfoy went?"

            "If there's one thing, I don't want to hear about, it's that."

            "Good, because I'm shame spiraling.  Got any vodka?"

            "Sorry, Severus."

            "Hey, Minerva, you know what I was thinking?  That we should organize a Hogwarts poetry festival."

            "Who writes poetry?"

            "Who doesn't?  Want to hear some of mine?"

            "Do I have a choice?"

            "All right.  This one is called, "The Murky Black Deep Dark Darkness of Doom."

            The murky black deep dark darkness of doom/

            Destroys my pitiful soul/

            My pitiful soul! /

            I am ripped, ripped, ripped, ripped, ripped/

            By a force that congregates around my abdomen/

            Like the baby inside me/

            The evil baby-spawn of Satan inside me! /

            And I die/

            Die/

            Diediedie. /"

            "Well, Severus, I'm speechless."

            "Then you loved it!"

            "Severus, did you say that you were….uh……pregnant?"

            "Well, obviously."

            "You're _pregnant_?!?"

            "Of course!"

            "But….but….but……you're a woman?"

            "Well, not really."

            "Then….how………"

            "Can't you accept miracles, you pitiful skeptic?"

            "Oh….God……who's the….uh…..father….mother…….thing………?"

            "Well, it's probably Harry.  Which could be a problem, since he's also my son.  It also could be Draco….who also might be my son….maybe Sirius or Remus……and, of course, there's always good ol' Hermione."

            "Would it be possible for Hermione to….uh……oh, God!  I just don't want to know!"

            "Oh, and I'm a vampire, and Draco's a Veela, so I hope he's the father.  What a cute little mix that would be!"

            "Uh…..guh……so, about that poetry festival……"

            "Minerva, do you want to raise the child with me?"

            "Not…particularly."

            "Aw, that's too bad.  You have no idea how cute she'll be!"

            "You know it's a girl?"

            "Well, I can pretty much assume that that's the case.  And she'll change me so much!  I won't be bitter or mean anymore!  I'll start wearing lavender and run around the school handing out daisies and bear hugs!"

            "Severus, take your freakish fetus and get the hell out of my office."  Severus started to sob.

            "Minerva, I'm sorry.  It's just the hormones.  On a related note, do you have any pickles."

            "No.  Leave."

            "Or vodka?"

            "I already answered that once, and the kid's going to have enough incest-related birth defects without Fetal Alcohol Syndrome."

            "You're so close-minded!"  He stormed out of the office.


	8. The Pond

            "What the hell?  Just…..what the hell?  I'm probably asleep.  There's no way I'm awake for any of this.  But….no!  I am awake!  It's just…..I need to go down to the pond.  Clear my head.  Yes.  That's it."  She opened the door and to her horror found that Severus was waiting outside for her.  "Oh, damn….."

            "Minerva, y'know, I was thinking…..we shouldn't just have a poetry fest, we should have…..a talent show!"

            "Oh.  Great.  _Fantastic_ idea, Severus.  And while at it, let's play Truth or Dare and set up a schoolwide chat room!"

            "Wow, those are some great ideas!  Anyways, I need to show off my mad singing skillz."  He took a deep breath.  "CRRRAAAAAAWWWLLLLLIINNNNGGGG IIIIIIIIIIN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNN, THESE WOOOOOOOUNDS, THEY WILLLLLLLLL NOT HEAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL….aren't I great?"

            "Severus, that's not singing, that's just……bad."

            "And I hear Dumbledore can play the bagpipes like nobody's business."

            "Severus, go practice your horrid screaming in the dungeons where nobody can hear you.  I, for one, am going for a walk."

            After the incident with Severus, Minerva made it to the pond without any problems, only to find that Sirius and Remus were lying on the grass making out.

            "Ooooooh, Moony, give me some of that hot werewolf love!"

            "Lick me like a dog, Padfoot!  Lick me!"  Minerva sighed.

            "Oh, get a room, you two."  They stopped kissing.  Sirius stood up.

            "Minerva, you horrible bigot!  Can't you accept alternate ways of life?  Moony and I didn't choose to love each other, we just….just………wow, Minerva, you have niiiiiice boobies."  Remus stood up and bitch-slapped Sirius.

            "Sirius!  You love only meeeeee, remember?  We're the only vaguely canon slash, so we have to set an example!"  Sirius glared at Remus.

            "Hey, _Moon_y, I hear that the _mooooooon_'s gonna be niiiiiiiice and full tonight……….too bad you've got a horrible _condition_………it's really unfortunate that's you're a….."

            "Don't say it, Sirius!"

            "WEREWOLF!"  Remus started to sob.

            "Do you really want to hurt me?  Do you really want to make me cry?"

            "I'm sorry, Moony.  I know how…..fragile and emotionally scarred you are…….oh, kiss me hard, you hot sexy freak of nature you."

"It's all right, Sirius.  I'm all right now…hey, can I cover your body in chocolate and lick it off?"

"Only if we can do it in the Shrieking Shack and then we can do it…well, doggy-style, I guess."

"It's a deal!  Now, show me show me show me how you do that trick!"

"You mean the one with the chocolate?  I told you, not until we get to the Shrieking Shack!"

"Never mind, I'm just quoting The Cure."

"Why the hell would you do that?"

 "The author likes 80's music, I guess.  Just roll with it, puppy dog."  They started making out again.  Minerva sat down on the grass as far away as she could from Sirius and Remus.  She closed her eyes.

            "Okay, okay, okay…Sirius is still alive, and he's bisexual or _something_, and Remus has a chocolate fetish and likes pop music sung by British guys in too much makeup…..dear God, what could happen next?"

"Something……eeeeeeeeevil?" She opened her eyes and realized that Voldemort was standing right next to her.


	9. Heeeeeeere's Voldie!

            Minerva jumped up.  "Oh…oh…oh…what are you doing here?  How did you…what…how…"

            "I am searching…for someone…searching…"

            "I will protect Harry Potter to the death!"

            "Not him, dammit!  I'm looking for that Weasley girl!"

            "Guh…Ginny?"

            "Yeah, her.  GINNEEEEE????  WHERE ARE YOU????  COME TO PAPA TOM, GINNY!"  Ginny waltzed into sight, wearing a tube top and a mini skirt with high heels.

            "Ginny?  Why are you dressed like that?"  Ginny grinned.

            "Hermione's been teaching me how to bring all the boys to the yard!"

            "Well, that does appear to be one of her skills…what am I saying?  Run, girls!  It's You-Know-Who!"  Ginny gasped.

            "Tommy!"  She ran over and gave Voldemort a hug.  "I'm so glad that you finally realized how much you love me!"

            "Ginny, would you like to become the Eeeeevil Death Mistress of Voldemort?"

            "Would I ever, Voldiekins!"  Minerva's jaw dropped open.

            "Ginny?  But…Ginny?"

            "It sure beats Michael Corner."  Voldemort pushed Ginny away.

            "Well, now that that's been taken care of…where's Potter?"

            "Never!  Sirius!  Remus!  Stop licking each other and get over here!"  Sirius and Remus rushed over to Minerva and Voldemort. 

            "Voldemort!" gasped Sirius.

            "Voldemort!" gasped Remus.

            "Yeah, that's right…I'm back with a vengeance, bitches."

            "Where are all your Death Eaters, Voldemort?  Huh?  Huh?  Aren't I ever so cocky and in-your-face?"  Sirius whipped his wand out.

            "I'll have you know that my Death Eaters…well, uh…wait, who are my Death Eaters again?  There's Bellatrix, and Lucius, and MacNair, and…uh…Rudolph or something…never mind!  They're otherwise occupied!  This is something…I must do alone.  But first…" He pointed his wand at Sirius, who was busy staring at Minerva's breasts.  "Avada Kedavra!"  Sirius gasped and fell backwards into the pond.  Remus started to sob.

            "Noooo!!!!!  Sirius!  Sirius!  Why, God, why?  I'm going to plunge into a horrible spiral of drinking and self-mutilation and stop taking my Wolfsbane Potion just…because!  SIRI—hey, wait, we never _actually_ saw him die…so he's not dead!  Yaaaayyy!!!!!  I've got to go write some fanfiction until he swims back up!"  Remus ran back into the castle.  Minerva started to yell at the top of her lungs.

            "It's You-Know-Who!  He's here at Hogwarts!  Everybody help!"  Dumbledore ran out.

            "Tom Riddle."

            "Dumbledore."

            "Oh, you poor misguided thing…give me a hug, Tom."  Voldemort fell into Dumbledore's arms and started to cry.

            "Muh-my…daddy…never loved me!  I never felt the love of family!  I was horribly beaten at the orphanage.  When I asked for more gruel they laughed in my—wait, that's an overstuffed book about homeless British kids.  This is an overstuffed _series_ about _magical_ British kids.  Dammit, I'm getting senile."

            "Tommy, put down your wand and let's all sing 'Imagine' together."  Voldemort jumped back.

            "Hell no!  I'm pure evil, biotch!  Where's that Potter kid, anyways?"  Dumbledore pulled his wand out.

            "I will never allow it, Tom."

            "Why do you keep calling me Tom?"

            "Eh, nostalgia."  Minerva sighed.

            "Is this going somewhere?  We need to protect Hogwarts!"  Severus ran out of the castle.

            "Minnie!  I'm here to protect you!"

            "Severus, I don't need protection, and if you call me Minnie again I'll Avada Kedavra your bony ass."

            "Damn, that was sexy.  Anyways…Dark Lord!  You will never prevail!  I've been spying on you, and I know your greatest weakness!"

            "You've been spying on me?  How?"

            "Uh…uh…I just kinda have, okay!  We don't need to get into it!  It doesn't matter, because I know how to subdue you!"

            "I doubt that…" Severus pointed his wand at Voldemort.

            "Ticklerinium Ticklerionia!!!"  Voldmort collapsed to the ground and started giggling.

            "Heeheeheeheehee!!!!!"  Severus grinned at Minerva.

            "So…Minerva…aren't you impressed?"

            "It's more impressive than your singing, I've got to admit."  Suddenly, Minerva heard a wild yell behind her.

            "LET ME AT HIM!  LET ME AT HIM!  LET ME AT HIM!!!!!!"  It was Harry Potter, roaring down to the pond with his arm raised.

            "Harry!  Kill him while you have the chance!" said Minerva.  Harry frowned.

            "Oh come on, that's not nearly dramatic enough.  Snape, make him stop giggling."

            "Anything for you, honey muffins…" Snape pointed his wand at Voldemort again.  "Unticklerinium Unticklerionia!!!!!!"  Voldemort stopped laughing and jumped up.

            "Ah.  Potter.  Let's do this thang."  Harry sneered.

            "Prepare to die, _Voldemort_."  Harry looked around.  "Why aren't any of you gasping?  I said Voldemort!"  Severus gasped feebly.  "Much better…hey, wait…"

            "What, Potter?"

            "We're only on the fifth book.  I can't just kill you whenever I feel like it.  We've got two more books left to sell, dammit!"

            "Aw, really?  Two whole books?  That's at least three thousand pages!"

            "Four thousand, actually…there's a part where Dumbledore tells me his entire life story, right down to how often his mum clipped his fingernails."

            "Twice a week and before special occasions!" said Dumbledore.

            "Well, if we have to wait for two more books…see you in about fifteen years, then," said Voldemort.  Harry and Voldemort shook hands, and Voldemort scampered off into the Forbidden Forest.  Minerva turned around and realized that Ron and Hermione were standing behind her.

            "Gee, uh, Hermy, why didn't he Disapparate?"

            "Because you can't Disapparate from Hogwarts!  How many times have I told you that?"

            "374, but I love to hear you say it."

"Oh, Ronnie, I'll say it until my vocal cords wither."  They started making out.

"Say it, Hermione!  Say it!"

"You can't Disapparate from Hogwarts!!!  Oh, God, you can't Disapparate from Hogwarts!"  Minerva slapped her forehead.

"Holy shit!  What is going on here?"  Severus tapped her on the shoulder.

"Uh, Minerva, that swearing was kind of out of character.  You might want to watch that."

"Shut the hell up, Severus!  I'm going to swear as much as I want, you f—hey, I can't I say that?"

"I think it's got something to do with the rating.  The writer doesn't want to get her account deleted."

"Where is this writer?  I'd like to give him a piece of my mind!"

"Her.  It's a her."

"Oh, how do you know?"

"Come on, when's the last time you saw a guy writing Harry Potter fics?"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but I'd still like to see this no-talent 'writer' you speak of!"  In a burst of brilliant light, a cloud descended from the heavens bearing a gorgeous young lady flanked by two devastatingly attractive men.  


	10. The Author descends

            The cloud stopped a few feet off the ground, and the two men jumped off.  They each offered a hand to the stunningly beautiful girl, and she stepped daintily onto the ground.

            "All right.  First things first.  You, Davey, go find me a Diet Coke.  You, Billy, make me a turkey wrap.  Extra guacamole."  The two men nodded and ran into the castle.  Minerva blinked.

            "Mary Sue?  Is that you?"

            "No, but we're related.  I am The Writer of this fantastic fanfiction."

            "Oh!  You're the writer?  Well…could you please make this stop?  This isn't right at all!  I just know that something's not right!"

            "Nah, it's all good.  See, this is just a fanfic.  This isn't the real story.  It doesn't have to be really strictly canon."

"Canon?  Fanfic?  What?"

"Well, you see, there are the real books you're in.  Right now, the person who writes the real books is too busy rolling in piles of money to crank out the next one, and the fangirls are restless.  So, we write our own stories about y'all, except that most of them are…well, _special_.  If they're kind of close to what things are like in the real books, they're canon.  If they probably wouldn't happen in the real books, they're non-canon.  I, for one, consider non-canon to be…an improvement.  I mean, wouldn't the books be so much better if Draco and Harry were lovers?  Wouldn't they?"  

            "No!  They wouldn't…don't you have any common decency?  How can you possibly defend this horrible writing?"

            "Well, I usually defend it sort of like this…OMG lyke wtf?  I got a right to write what I want cuz its a free contry and ur just close minded!  Lyke if ur gonna flame me I dont care cuz I know what im doin and if u dont lyke it then…whateva!!!!!!!11  Daniel Radcliff 4eva cuz he is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hott!!!!!!1"

            "I didn't understand a word of that."

            "Don't worry about it, it doesn't really mean anything."

            "So, what I'm picking up is that you have no morals."

"It's less no morals and more no brain."

"Juuuust perfect.  And, just for the record, who were those two men?"

            "Well, you see, anything can happen in fanfiction.  Especially in Author Inserts.  So I made Davey Havok and Billy Corgan my love slaves.  And I described them as devastatingly attractive so that none of you fictional peons can argue."

            "But…the one's completely bald, and the other one is slathered in makeup and—"

            "Shut up!  Do you want me to make this an AU?"

            "What an AU?"

            "It's essentially code for 'I can screw with anything as much as I want as long as I keep the names.'  It won't be pretty for you, trust me on this.  How about I make you a crackhead hooker in London who get arrested by Officer Snape and then has hot sweaty sex with him in the back of his police cruiser before he bashes your head in with one of those British policeman baton thingys?"

            "Please…no…not that…"

            "Okay.  Just don't insult my love slaves anymore."

            "I won't, I promise.  But…can't you just…stop writing this and let me wait out the interval between real books in peace?"

            "Well, I'm getting a lot of reviews…not as many as those Lily/James fics, but that's okay…so, as long as I keep getting reviews, I guess I'm gonna keep writing.  Naturally, I'm a review whore.  Wink wink, nudge nudge."

            "Oh.  Damn."  Billy and Davey arrived at her side with the Diet Coke and turkey wrap.

            "Mmm…lunch.  Thanks, boys.  Let's roll."  They jumped back onto the cloud.

            "Wait!  Wait!"

            "What is it now?"

            "Why am I the only one who knows what the hell's going on?"

            "Oh, silly, I can't answer now…we have to have some sort of interesting conclusion when I finally run out of ideas!"  The cloud flew back into the sky and disappeared.

            "Well, that was disappointing," said Minerva.  Severus was standing next to her and drooling.

            "I can't decide who was hotter…The Writer or that guy with all the tattoos and the silky…luxurious…long…black…hair…mmm…"

            "Keep it in your pants, Severus."  She heard a splash coming from the lake, and ran over.  Sirius, covered in seaweed, was pulling himself out of the pond.

            "Sirius?  How can you possibly be alive?"

            "It's really not important."

            "Oh, God, not this again."  Remus ran over and embraced him.

            "Paddy!  I knew you were alive!"

            "Oh, Moony, my one true love…well, most of the time…"

            "Sirius, do you remember when we were young?"

            "Ahh…those happy days…"

            "Let's do a flashback."

            "Yay!  Marauders power!  Minerva, you wanna come too?"

            "Ugh…not really."  Sirius shrugged.

            "Well, sorry…we're dragging you along whether you like it or not.  Moony and I can be the narrators, though.  You know, give it that intimate first-person feel.  Well, let's go!"  Everything swam in front of Minerva's eyes, and she fell to the ground. 


	11. Marauders Power!

Minerva sat up and looked around. She was still near the pond, but things looked...different.

"What happened?"

Sirius and Remus popped into the scene. "Didn't Paddy and I tell you? It's a Marauders flashback!"

"Marauders? What?"

"Well, you see, Moony, James, Peter Pettigrew and I are....The Marauders!"

"That's an incredibly stupid name."

"Oh, our nicknames are even worse...I mean, Prongs is pretty bad, that's James, and Pettigrew got stuck with Wormtail, but he deserves it...but I still don't think it's fair that I have to be _Moony_. I completely got shafted. That's the worst nickname _ever_."

"Shut up, honey lumpkins! We're the _narrators_! We have to _narrate_!"

"Right. Ahem..._so. Here we are. Back in the good ol' days..._"

Minerva stood up and stared at Remus. "Why are you speaking so...oddly?"

"Um, duh...he's narrating in _italics_...it makes it look all professional-like."

"Exactly. You're so smart, Sirius. Well, as I was saying..._I was a devastatingly attractive yet sexily intelligent young lad. All the nerd chicks had the hots for me. On this beautiful spring day—just like pretty much every day at Hogwarts, because this isn't an angst-fic yet—I was sitting under a tree, reading a book._" Minerva looked around and saw that a young version of Remus was sitting under a tree, reading a book.

"_And I, Sirius Black, was also uncommonly sexy. All the ditzy chicks had the hots for me. On that day, I walked over to Remus._" Young Sirius walked over to Young Remus.

"Hey, Moony. Still...uh...still reading?"

"Yep."

"Do you ever stop reading?"

"No. There's an indentation the shape of my heiney in the ground..." Young Remus put down the book. "Padfoot...your hair...growl." Young Sirius dropped to the floor and started making out with Young Remus.

"_And that's how Remus and I fell in love._"

Minerva snorted. "That's it? Oh, come on, surely you can do better than..." Minerva turned to the left and realized that Remus and Sirius were too busy making out to answer her. "Quit slobbering all over each other and hurry up with this stupid little flashback. I'd like to get back the real world and take a nap sometime soon." They pulled apart.

"_Right. So, when Padfoot and I stopped making out we noticed that James and Wormtail were coming over._" James and Peter Pettigrew were walking over to the tree. "_Well, actually...James was striding and Peter was slinking. But anyways, they were going over to the tree. James, of course, was the sexiest one of all. All the preppy chicks had the hots for him. And nobody had the hots for Peter, except for a couple of people currently incarcerated in secure mental facilities._"

"JamesJamesJamescanIshineyourshoesandcombyourhairandwashyourboxers?"

"No, Wormtail."

"Awww..."

"Oy! Moony! Padfoot! What's up?" James and Peter sat down.

"Well, Moony and I decided that we're in love."

"_Eternal_ love, Paddy."

"Right, eternal love."

James beamed. "Well, that's just spiffing! So, anyone want to do something?"

"Well, Moony and I could make out some more."

"AndIcouldwashyourboxers!!!!!"

"Shut up, Wormtail." James leaned back against the tree and rolled his eyes.

"Jeez...I sure wish that someone could come over here...someone socially awkward and ugly that we could torment without fear of reprisal...y'know, someone like..."

"SNIVELLUS!" Sirius stood up and pointed to a young version of Severus, who was walking over with a giant pile of books under his arm.

"_And that was Severus. While Severus was incredibly ugly and socially awkward, all the goth chicks had the hots for him. Unfortunately for him, there were no goth chicks at Hogwarts. Severus walked..._no, that's too boring...ugh, jeez...Moony, do you know any good verbs for Snivelly here?"

"Uhhh...swooped?"

"No, he's not old enough to swoop yet."

"Slinked?"

"No, we've already used that for Wormtail..."

"Sniveled?"

"As tempting as it is, I think I'll have to pass...damn...uh, Minerva, can you help us out?"

Minerva sighed. "If it gets me out of here sooner...try twitched."

"Minerva, you're a genius! _The ugly and socially awkward Severus twitched over to the tree. Moony grabbed a book and buried his head in it, while James jumped up and pointed his wand at Snape_."

"Librus droppicus!"

Snape dropped the books. "You...bastards!"

"_While Moony kept his head buried in the book, I mocked Severus for his ugliness and social-awkwardom._"

"Ha ha! Snivellus! Snivellus! Snivellus!"

Minerva poked Remus. "Snivellus? Couldn't you boys have come up with something a little less...incredibly stupid?"

"I don't know. I didn't do it. I just read. And sighed once in a while. Now let Sirius talk, he has such a pretty voice."

"Thank you, Paddy. _Well, anyways, Severus snarled and took out his wand._"

"You bastards! Now I will destroy you all with one of the elaborate curses my mommy taught me so that I could fend off my daddy's drunken—ow!" "_James had tackled him, and I ran over and took his wand. James raised his fist to Snape's face._"

"Ha ha, Snivelly! Now I'll beat your face in...with my Snitch-catching arm!" "_Just then, Lily Evans dashed over. She was also sexy, though at one point in her life she had been fat, pimply, and generally hated...but that's beside the point, because now she was one hot mama. And she had niiiice boobies._"

"Potter! You great bullying toerag!"

"Buh...guh...duh...Evans, I...uh..."

"Just because he's ugly and socially awkward it doesn't mean that you can be such a...toerag!"

Minerva nudged Remus again. "Remus, what the hell is a toerag?"

"Uh...some British thing."

"But The Author isn't British!"

"But the real books are, so to seem authentic we all say random British things she picked up from the real books and _Monty Python_ reruns on BBCA...now shut up and pay attention to Paddy, you wanker!"

"Oy, you're really interrupting my artistic flow. "_Anyways, James immediately let go of Severus. Lily smiled sweetly, because she does that a lot._"

"Good, James. Thank you. Maybe you're not such a toerag after all..."

"Mudblood," spat Severus.

Lily glared at him. "Oh, shut up...Snivellus." Severus stormed off towards the castle.

"You know...Evans...you're one sexy thang."

"So are you, Potter...you sweet little toerag you." They started making out. "_And that's how James and Lily fell in love._"

Minerva sighed. "Nice story, you two. Are we quite done now?"

"Hmm...what else can we do? There are three Marauders stories...and we've done two...what's the other one, Moony?"

"Uhhh...oh! How Snape became a Death Eater!"

"Right! Sorry, Minerva. We're not done yet. Let's follow Snape back to the castle...for some angst!"

Minerva rubbed her eyes. "Oh, God almighty."


	12. Burning Slytherin Angst

(Author's Note: I will be on vacation for a week out in the middle of nowhere. Therefore, no updates for a while. If you feel that may you have trouble coping, let me know and I can recommend some credible therapists.)

Minerva, Remus, and Sirius ran to catch up with Severus.

"Aren't you boys...supposed to be...back...at the tree?" panted Minerva. They soon reached Severus, and assumed a normal pace to follow his trudging.

"Well, uh, yeah...but...we can still follow Snape!" said Remus.

"But how do you know what Severus is up to?"

"Uhhh...Moony and I are, like, _omniscient_ narrators!"

"Oh, no you're not."

"Yes we are, Minerva! Now shut up and let Remus narrate omnisciently!"

"Thanks, sweetie pumpkin. _Anyways, Severus trudged back to Slytherin house, muttering swear words that we can't print here if The Author doesn't want to get a smackdown by the kind staff of _ _Severus arrived at the portrait guarding Slytherin house._"

Sirius tapped Remus on the shoulder. "Oh, come on...you at least have to say what the portrait is! It's called adding detail, Moony!"

"Well...uh...I forgot what it is! There! You happy, Padfoot?"

"How can you forget what it is? It's right in front of us!"

"Well, uh...you try to say what it is!"

"Okay...uh...damn, you're right. Oh well, just make something up."

"Okay...hmm..._Severus stood in front of the portrait of the ugly old man with a chicken on his head and spoke the password._"

Severus took a breath. "Burning Slytherin-angst." The portrait hole opened, and Severus stepped into the Slytherin common room. He ran to his bed, flopped on it, and began to sob.

Minerva poked Sirius. "Now...exactly why is he sobbing?"

"It's an angst-fic. People sob in their dorm rooms a lot in angst-fics. Now, let me narrate: _As Severus sobbed into his pillow, he could hear the thunder booming from outside and the pitter-patter of the..._uh_...pitter-pattering rain.­_"

"Rain?" snorted Minerva. "How is it raining? It was sunny and beautiful about two minutes ago!"

"I already told you, it's an angst-fic! It always rains! It was a romance before, so it was sunny. You know, it's like, juxtaposition."

"Oh, it is not juxtaposition."

"Yes it is, Minerva! Now shut up and let Sirius juxtapose!"

"_When Severus stopped sobbing, he reached under his pillow and pulled out a razor blade, a Swiss army knife, a paper clip, a dagger, a Bowie knife, a rapier, a sword, and a hatpin. He then rolled up his shirtsleeves and, grinning creepily, exposed his five bajillion scars to the world._"

Minerva covered her eyes. "Can I go now?"

Sirius ignored her and continued. "_He cut himself with the razor blade, poked himself repeatedly with the Swiss army knife, carved swear words in his flesh with the paper clip, cut off his pinky toe with the dagger, sang "China Girl" to the Bowie knife, raped himself with the rapier, did something really painful with the sword, and ignored the hatpin. He then pulled out a quill and a little book, stuck the quill in his melodramatically oozing blood, and started to write._"

"Dear Die-ary: I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focused on the pain...the only thing that's real."

Minerva stared at Sirius. "Sirius, if you're really omniscient, why are you reading Snape's diary over his shoulder?"

"Uhhh...because...I want to make sure I'm right! Now, we're not done yet! _His diary continued..._"

"I hate myself. I hate James and Sirius. I hate my evil elitist drunken abusive father. But most all...I hate myself. Maybe I'll try to kill myself for the 24th time since I was five. I think this time I'll spend a really long time hand weaving a noose...not that I want to get caught or anything, because I really do want to die. Really. Totally, really. Well, I guess I'll go gather some straw, or whatever it is that nooses are made out of."

Remus stuck his hand in front of Sirius's face. "Sirius, can I do the next part? It's so dramatic!"

"Sure, Moony..."

"Okee-dokee! _At that exact moment, Lucius Malfoy walked in. Lucius Malfoy, while stunningly attractive, was also stunningly evil. All the antisocial chicks had the hots for him._"

"Severus, have you been cutting again?"

"Uh...no..."

"You're covered in blood."

"I...uh...tripped."

"Oh, Severus." Lucius went over to Snape's blood-soaked bed and sat down. "Were they teasing you again?"

Severus started to sniffle. "Yuh...yes...those meanies..."

"Give me a hug, Severus." Lucius hugged Severus. "They have no right to do that to you. You're a Slytherin. That makes you cool."

"Yuh...yuh...yeah!"

"You know, Severus...wanna join a club?"

"What kind of club?"

"Uh...a taking-over-the-world club?"

"Hmm, sounds intriguing..."

"Severus, you need an outlet for all that burning Slytherin-angst. What's a better outlet than pure eeeevil?"

"Hmm...I dunno...will I have to kill people?"

"Well, yes...but we all get really cool tattoos and have wild orgies."

"Sweet! I'm in!"

Lucius stood up. "That's great, Severus. Oh, by the way, I heard you singing "China Girl" out there...do you know "Ziggy Stardust?""

"As a matter of fact, I do!"

"Great. First you sing "Ziggy Stardust," then I rape you. Okay?"

"Okay."

"_And that's how Severus and Lucius fell in love._"

Minerva stomped her foot. "No it's not!"

"Oh, right..._and that's how Severus became a Death Eater_."

Minerva smirked. "Well, boys, that was very interesting...but I don't want to hear Snape sing David Bowie songs any more than you do."

"Awww, but David Bowie's so hot!" pouted Remus.

Sirius bitch-slapped Remus. "That's it, let's go home." Everything got hazy again, and as Minerva fell to the ground Snape's horribly off-key David Bowie impression echoed in her ears.


	13. Cho Chang is a stone cold mothereffer

Minerva sat up and rubbed her head. "Holy hell, that was strange..." She looked around. She was near the pond, with Sirius and Remus sitting on the ground next to her bitch-slapping each other vigorously.

"I told you to stop obsessing over David Bowie!"

"But Sirius, it's not my fault he's so damn sexy!"

"When I caught you writing that _disgusting_ letter to the man—who, by the way, is married—you vowed to give up that stupid little crush!"

Minerva groaned. "Okay, boys, quit it. Can't you just make out? It's a little less...loud." Remus and Sirius stared at each other, shrugged, and started biting each other on the neck while moaning softly. Minerva stood up, brushed off, and walked over towards the castle. On the way, she spied Severus sitting under a tree scratching his head psychotically and humming and decided to check him out. "Severus, what's the matter?"

"I...can't...get...this...song...out...of...my head!"

"Hmm, let me guess...it wouldn't be 'Ziggy Stardust,' would it?"

Severus gasped. "By God, it is! How did you know that?"

"You know, I couldn't explain it if I tried."

"Hmm. Well...maybe if I sing it to you, I'll get it out of my head!"

"No thank you..."

"No! I'm a genius!" Before Severus could start singing, Minerva whipped around and ran into the castle. She paused in the hallway. "Hmm...now, to take that nap." Suddenly, Harry Potter barreled down the hallway and slammed into her, almost knocking her down.

"Why, Harry, that was quite rude of you."

"YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY! I'VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW!"

"And what would those be, young man?"

"Cho Chang! She's chasing me with a paper clip she stole from Snape! You've gotta help me!"

Sure enough, Cho came rushing into the hallway, brandishing the rapier and foaming at the mouth. "Blood...Potter...blood...kill...kill..."

Minerva pushed Harry away and walked up to Cho. "Cho...give me the paper clip, Cho..."

"Can we talk about Cedric? Please? Pretty please?"

"Yes, but please give me that—"

"I...miss...him...so...much...sniffle...sniffle...Cedric! Cedric! Come baaaaack to my loving arms, Cedric! I miss your hot Hufflepuff humping so baaaaad, Cedric!!!!" Cho fell to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably but still clutching the paper clip. Minerva tried to grab the paper clip from her, with no success.

Harry was still standing behind Minerva, gaping in horror. "Emotions...too...scary...must...flee..." He whipped around and ran out of the hallway.

When Cho heard him leaving, she stopped crying and jumped up. "Harry! You bastard, where are you going?"

"Cho, calm down, let's just talk this out...why are you so angry at Harry?"

"Because...because...because! HARRY, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE SO I CAN...can...ohhhh...God, I'm such a fool! How could I have let him go like that? My one true love...screw Cedric, it's Harry-humping I really want!" She grabbed Minerva's sleeve. "Where'd he go, Professor? I must rectify all of my vicious, vicious wrongs against that poor sweet man!"

Minerva shrugged. "For once, this stupid personality disorder is working in my favor...give me that paper clip, and I'll tell you were Harry went, okay?"

Cho eagerly handed over the paper clip, and Minerva stuffed it in her robes pocket. "Where? Where? Where's my little snuggle bunnies?"

"He ran down the hallway behind me."

"Yaaaayyy!!!! HARREEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Cho shoved past Minerva and ran down the hallway.

The instant Cho disappeared, Snape rushed in, robes billowing and wand blazing. "Where's my paper clip, goddammit? Minerva, have you seen it? Where is it?"

"It's right here in my pocket, Severus...but why do you want it so badly? It's just a paper clip..."

"It's not just a paper clip, Minerva! It's my...uhh...special paper clip! Now hand it over!" Minerva took it out of her pocket, and examined it for a moment before Snape grabbed it from her.

"What are those stains, Severus?"

"Uhhh...ketchup!"

"How would ketchup get on a paper clip?"

"I...uhhh...I tripped!"

"Just take your paper clip and go do whatever you want with it. I don't have time for this."

"Uhh...but...don't you want to know what I do with it?"

"I believe you carve swear words into your—"

"I DO NOT!"

"But you recently informed me that you—"

"All right! All right! You got it out of me, dammit! I _cut! Cut! Cuuuuttttttt!!!!!!_"

"Yes, yes, it's quite horrible and sad...may I leave now?"

"But...don't you want to help me?"

"I honestly don't care anymore, Severus."

"Meanie!" Severus stormed off, and Minerva rushed back to her apartment, hoping to finally get that damn nap.


	14. The Author returns! OMG!

Minerva's head hit the pillow, and a faint smile appeared on her face as her eyes closed and she drifted off to sleep. As she fell into darkness, she realized that she could sense being asleep, something that had never happened before.

"Oh, damn...now what?"

"Oh, I can answer that!"

Minerva opened her eyes, and saw herself sitting in an endless green field, staring at the endlessly radiant face of The Author.

"Oh...you're back?"

"You got it, Minnie!"

"Please don't call me that..."

"Listen, biotch, I'm writing this story and I can call you whatever the hell I want!" An expression of anger flashed briefly on her lovely face.

"Er...sorry?"

"Ugh...sorry, I'm having kind of a bad day...you know what I need?"

"Medication?" muttered Minerva.

"I need...a back rub! Oh Morrissey...could you come give me a back rub?" Quick as a flash, an oddly young Morrissey was rubbing The Author's graceful back.

Minerva gaped. "Muh...Morrissey? Even I know who that is! What is _Morrissey_ doing rubbing your back?"

"_Duh_...he's my love slave..."

"But...Morrissey? Love? No! How in God's name can you..."

"Hey, if Snape can find true love, so can Morrissey."

"What's that about Snape?"

"Oh, wait, that hasn't happened yet. At any rate, I wanted your help on something."

"But you're writing me! How can I possibly help you?"

"You're the only logical person in this whole story! I'm completely out of ideas!"

"Well...don't you have any friends you can ask?"

"I...I...I don't need friends! I've got Daniel Radcliffe! OMG hez mine u bitches! Miiiiiine!!!!11"

"I don't think I can help you, sorry..."

"You're just _begging_ for me to make this an AU, aren't you?"

Minerva cringed. "Okay, okay, I'll help you."

"Well, um, my therapist says that I have low self-esteem, right? So, uh, I wanted to raise it, right, but, like, to do that I need more reviews! And I want to write a summary for my story that makes people want to read it...but I don't know what to do!"

"Okay...what kinds of stories get the most reviews?"

"Er...well...um...I know! Lily/James! Everybody loves those because they're, like, pretty and canon and tragic and totally kawaii and...damn! That's it!"

"What other kinds of stories get a lot of reviews?"

"Well...uh...ones where Hermione has sex with people?"

"Okay, you've pretty much got that one covered...anything else?"

"Uhhh...Remus/Sirius!"

"Okay. Keep thinking..."

"Ummm...errr...Draco/Harry!"

"That's...disgusting..."

"I didn't ask for your opinion, you fictional peon!"

"Er, actually, you did."

"Alternate...effing...Universe..."

"Sorry! Sorry!"

"One more...I need one more...Ron/Hermione! Yes! Yes! I've got it! Morrissey, stop rubbing my back and go get me my laptop!" Morrissey ran off and speedily returned with a shiny silver laptop. "Thank you, Morrissey...yes...hmm...okay, I've got it! Here goes: Im lyke realy bad at summarys but...Lily/James! Remus/Sirius! Draco/Harry! Ron/Hermione! Pleez review!!!!!!!!!!!!11"

Minerva sighed. "Wow. Brilliance. May I please get some real sleep now?"

"Uhhh...sure! C'mon, Morrissey, let's get out of here." As they flew away, Minerva heard another voice and felt someone pulling on her shoulder.

"Minerva! Minerva! Wake up!"

Minerva opened her eyes and saw Dumbledore standing over her. "Wha?"

"It's Severus! He's in the hospital wing! You need to come now!"

"Do I really have to?"

"Yes! He's bad!"

"Damn..."


	15. Hooray for Hospital Severus

Severus lay in bed, his eyes closed and his breathing shallow. The bed in the hospital wing was surrounded with what looked to be the entire student body of Hogwarts and most of the teachers—how they could all fit in there, Minerva didn't know, but she pushed over to Severus's bedside. Mary Sue was clutching his hand and sniffling.

"Mary Sue? What happened to Severus?"

"He...um...oh...sniffles...I came in to give him some of my homemade gingersnaps and...he was...lying there! Oh, poor Severus!" Mary Sue started to sob uncontrollably, and Minerva searched for someone who wasn't entirely insane. Before she could find anyone, Madam Pomfrey burst in.

"OUT! OUT! YOU'RE DISRUPTING THE PATIENT!! HE NEEDS HIS REST!"

Minerva tapped her on the shoulder. "Poppy, he's unconscious...I'm sure he's getting plenty of rest, considering that he's knocked out."

"OUT! OUT!" The students filed out, grumbling. Minerva noticed Draco tugging at her sleeve.

"Professor, Professor, Severus needs me! I'm his love toy! I need to provide amoral support!"

"I think you mean moral support."

"No, uh, actually, I don't. Moral support would imply that I actually have morals."

"Draco, go do something productive."

"Like rape Hermione!"

"Well...erm..."

Draco ran off. Madam Pomfrey was running around dragging out teachers by their capes, so Minerva decided to head out. As soon as she exited the hospital wing, Dumbledore ran out behind her and gave her a bear hug.

"Mmmpf...Headmaster...geroff..."

"Minerva, Minerva, our Severus is dying!"

"Oh, Albus, I'm sure he's not dying."

"Minerva..." Albus stepped back. "Will you console me?"

"Um...how?"

"Uh...sex?"

"What?"

"Sex."

"No!"

"Please?"

"No."

"Damn..." Suddenly, they heard a moan from the hospital wing. Minerva rushed in, and found that Severus was awake.

He looked up at Minerva. "Oh...damn, I'm not dead."

"Severus, that's a good thing..."

"No, it's not! Not when your life is filled with pain and anguish such as mine...wanna hear about it?"

"Jesus no."

"Oh, but I'd love to, Sevvie!" Mary Sue sauntered into the hospital wing and sat down on a stool. "Please tell me all about it, Severus."

"Okay, well, it all started when I was three months old and my mom tried to feed me prunes for breakfast..." Minerva ran out of the hospital wing.


End file.
